Identity Crisis

I now know what an identity crisis feels like. This was it:

I feel like I’m bobbing in water, being pushed under by every wave. I cry every day. This is my reality.

It’s as if I’m playing a game but I don’t know the rules. Each time I turn up to play, I find out I’ve broken a rule. I dread turning up. I feel like I’m in danger, threatened. I’m sick with fear.

I can’t be with people because I’ll only end up hurting them. The thought that I’ll end up all alone – honestly, right now, that sounds good to me. Anything else is stressful.

I hide, covering myself with a thousand fig leaves, turning into someone I don’t know. I feel like a ghost. Like I’m not here. Only my pain is here. I could cry at anything. I am a walking teardrop.

I relate to Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love when she had an identity crisis. I have no borders, I feel all the world’s pain as my own.

I’m shaken. Destroyed. I feel like the opposite of who I am. My identity has been shattered. Shredded. Stripped. I don’t believe in myself. I’ve lost myself.

I want relief. But I just don’t see relief coming.

I saw a bird swoop where the waves were crashing against some rocks. It plucked something from the sea and flew off. I thought: ‘I feel like a fish getting pounded against rocks, eaten by a bird. Well at least that would solve the problem.’

I’m not suicidal; but it would be nice to get some relief.

I want to get out of this fig-leaf system and know the reality of the cross system. It can’t be worse than this. Sacrifice sounds better than stress.

I wrote that last sentence in my journal intuitively. It felt right but I didn’t know what it meant.

Now I’m thinking about it, I understand. Sacrifice. The Great Problem Solver sacrificed his life; so I can stop stressing about mine. He loves me even when I break all the rules. Me. Without fig leaves.

I have no strength anymore to run after and hold onto fig leaves for dear life.

I thought the alternative to fig leaves was to breakdown, to have all sense of self fall in a heap. I was scared that, if nothing changed, I was heading down the path to a mental hospital. I didn’t want to go that way. Driven by necessity, I found another path open up before me: self-acceptance.

Have you ever had an identity crisis?

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6 thoughts on “Identity Crisis

  1. You’re such a gentle lady. You have to start with your thoughts, Whenever I have depressed moments. I go to exercise or workout. Sweat feels good. You’re body gets warmed up. When we exercise body releases endorphin which physiologically gives us the feelings of happiness. At least start from things you can control. This is the most effective key I tried in fighting suicidal insinuation.

    I hope you can overcome this crisis sis 🙂

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    1. I’ve heard that even just going for a walk for 10 minutes helps. I’m not a fan of walking, but dancing, singing, drawing, and writing help.
      Thankfully, the worst of this has been overcome. I’ll be posting more about the journey of healing and what I’ve since writing that journal entry.
      Thanks so much for this brilliant comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “I can’t be with people because I’ll only end up hurting them. The thought that I’ll end up all alone – honestly, right now, that sounds good to me. Anything else is stressful.”

    I relate so much to this. But I know that is a lie and I have to work to overcome the many fears that keep me isolated.

    I love that you came to a place of self-acceptance. I think that is huge step for anyone. I look forward to seeing how your journey to walk in the fullness of your identity continues!

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    1. So glad you relate and I’m not just being silly. I know it’s a lie too, but the truth is that’s how I felt so I wrote it. Self-acceptance came as a surprise but now I’m thankful for the identity crisis because it took me to it. Otherwise I would have kept avoiding it, since I used to roll my eyes at terms like ‘self-acceptance.’ That was for other people, not for me. Shows how much pride plus low self-esteem I had. Thanks so much for this wonderful comment. I’m enjoying the journey.

      Like

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