I now know what an identity crisis feels like. This was it:
I feel like I’m bobbing in water, being pushed under by every wave. I cry every day. This is my reality.
It’s as if I’m playing a game but I don’t know the rules. Each time I turn up to play, I find out I’ve broken a rule. I dread turning up. I feel like I’m in danger, threatened. I’m sick with fear.
I can’t be with people because I’ll only end up hurting them. The thought that I’ll end up all alone – honestly, right now, that sounds good to me. Anything else is stressful.
I hide, covering myself with a thousand fig leaves, turning into someone I don’t know. I feel like a ghost. Like I’m not here. Only my pain is here. I could cry at anything. I am a walking teardrop.
I relate to Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love when she had an identity crisis. I have no borders, I feel all the world’s pain as my own.
I’m shaken. Destroyed. I feel like the opposite of who I am. My identity has been shattered. Shredded. Stripped. I don’t believe in myself. I’ve lost myself.
I want relief. But I just don’t see relief coming.
I saw a bird swoop where the waves were crashing against some rocks. It plucked something from the sea and flew off. I thought: ‘I feel like a fish getting pounded against rocks, eaten by a bird. Well at least that would solve the problem.’
I’m not suicidal; but it would be nice to get some relief.
I want to get out of this fig-leaf system and know the reality of the cross system. It can’t be worse than this. Sacrifice sounds better than stress.
I wrote that last sentence in my journal intuitively. It felt right but I didn’t know what it meant.
Now I’m thinking about it, I understand. Sacrifice. The Great Problem Solver sacrificed his life; so I can stop stressing about mine. He loves me even when I break all the rules. Me. Without fig leaves.
I have no strength anymore to run after and hold onto fig leaves for dear life.
I thought the alternative to fig leaves was to breakdown, to have all sense of self fall in a heap. I was scared that, if nothing changed, I was heading down the path to a mental hospital. I didn’t want to go that way. Driven by necessity, I found another path open up before me: self-acceptance.