Mainly it comes down to this tension: I want to be myself and I want to be accepted.
I can be myself and write for me. Until I think about the people reading my blog, and then I worry about opinions, judgements, and expectations. The pressure makes me want to stop blogging.
I have blog intimacy issues. I can do the whole hello, nice to meet you, what do you do, and then I leave. I’ve had about 30 blogs. I start them; I delete them. I get excited about choosing a blog name, a tagline, topic, and theme. Then I either get bored or scared and I stop posting.
I can play the blogging game. I can write posts that get comments and make a blog get followers. It’s fun. I’m accepted. I please my audience. But it isn’t me. I get bored with the game.
I can also be me. If I’m anonymous and use a pseudonym. I can be open and vulnerable, but then I get sucked into playing the game again when I get comments and followers. I start to write to please my audience.
Not a single one of my blogs has lasted. I fear the same thing will happen with this one. I always have grand plans to post every day and keep one blog for the rest of my life, but I no longer trust myself. I want to keep this blog and post regularly, but I have a pattern of failing and I don’t know if I can achieve it.
I suck at blog commitment. How many blogs and posts and connections have I wasted because I wanted the thrill of starting a new blog?
It makes me not want to start a blog. But I still want to be me. I still want to write. I still want to express myself. And I still believe there is value in doing these things, not only for myself but for others.
So here I am in the tension: wanting to express myself, yet not wanting judgement. I guess the question is: Which one do I want more?
I can impress. I can play the game. I can get followers and comments. But I won’t be me. I won’t be writing what I want to write. Do I want the stats or do I want to be me?
I want to express myself. Which means I have to accept myself and not worry if people don’t accept me. If I can accept myself—my writing, my honesty, my self-expression—then maybe this will be the blog that lasts.