I Want to Find Myself

I don’t think I ever wanted to find myself before. I always wanted to know myself more and work out why I do things and how I think, but I never thought I’d lost myself. I may have lost my way, my direction, my dreams, and my purpose, but I never lost me.

But this year I lost myself. Or maybe I’ve always been lost and this was just the year I realised it.

I try to please people. I try to keep the peace. I try to be strong and perfect and have everything together. I try to always do right and be good. I look to all these outside things, scanning everything, stressing about every detail to make sure what I’m doing is okay. I let outside things affect me: people’s expectations, opinions and feelings. I go along with them. It’s mostly easy and natural to do this, and in the process I lose myself because I’m not being me and I don’t even know it.

I get moulded into whatever people want me to be or what I think they want me to be. Sometimes it feels like I have no bones and I twist and bend into whatever uncomfortable shapes I’m pushed into. It feels like I’m putty when I willingly let this happen. But other times it feels like my bones are there and I’m painfully broken into place to fit what people want.

And then the moment finally came this year when I couldn’t please everyone. When I couldn’t fix things. When all my contorting didn’t protect me and I got hurt. Because all that twisting and bending is really a defense mechanism.

I did what I always do and tried to please people, perform well and be perfect, but I hurt people and people hurt me. So I tried harder. But I kept failing. It was exhausting, painful and confusing, and I went to pieces until there was nothing left of me. Everything I relied on for my identity wasn’t working anymore.

At this time, a quote kept coming up about how you can’t expect different results if you keep doing the same things. I needed to change something.

I didn’t want to say out loud that I need to find myself. I thought people would look down on me. I felt guilty and wrong. Shouldn’t I go on a journey to find God, not me? But I’ve been looking for God and I’ve been finding him. A God of loving, serving and giving. Now I want to find the real me so I can love, serve and give like God but by being who he created me to be.

Reading Allison Vesterfelt’s post about the importance of finding yourself reassured me that it’s okay to go on a journey to find myself. It told me it’s okay to share this now. I don’t have to be afraid to admit it. This is where I’m at: I want to find myself.

Outside voices have ruled me. I want to find the voice in me. Ally says we already know the answer deep inside us. It’s just that we listen to those outside voices and that’s all we hear and try to please. I’m trying to unlearn all that now and listen to my own voice.

I’m not crying anymore, the pain is gone, but I haven’t got all my strength back yet. I can function again, but I’m not all me just yet. But now I’m strong enough to go on that journey of finding myself.

Do you want to find yourself?

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24 thoughts on “I Want to Find Myself

  1. So beautiful, Juni. Thank you for sharing your journey. I know you will discover amazing, wonderful things about yourself as you continue to find your authentic self! God bless!

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  2. Amazing! Yes, I totally agree. I finally stopped doing things to please other people when God broke me. Now my brain is so much more relaxed… lol. Things just turn out how they turn out… I don’t stress over it anymore.

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  3. This is wonderful! Keep finding yourself and chasing after God…even when it’s hard and hurts. It’s what grows us and helps us come into who we are in Christ. And once you realize that and let him have total control…the impossible things all become possible. Don’t give up on your journey and don’t be scared to find yourself! 🙂

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  4. I finally got the time to read it and I love your post. It´s so honest. I think it is very important to go on that journey to find ourselves. I´m on that journey right now, only that I have little room and place to really “search” for me. I´m often to exhausted and that´s sad. But I totally get what you´re saying that you wanted to please everybody and that just made you sad. I experience exactly the same thing. I wanted to give, not receive, I put my needs before others and before I knew it, I wasn´t happy, but depressed, sad, worn down…I tried to stop more and more to please people and to find people who´d listen to me and not only cry their heart out and then go. I´m still in that process, but I´m way better and it´s taken me a while. I´m on the right path, I think. So I really liked reading your post. XO

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    1. Glad to share the journey with someone. I’d love to do something like go on a trip for a year or do a course but I’m learning I have to use what I’ve got right now to go on this journey and be where I am. So I’m really inspired by Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project. I think to find myself, I have to be really practical and intentional about it or else I’ll slip into my default mode of going along with outside voices. So next year is going to be the finding myself year. Thanks so much for reading and sharing. Look forward to hearing more of your journey too.

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  5. Beautiful. I still struggle with trying to please people. I’ve found contentment with who I am where I am but mostly struggle with being good enough as I am. I feel like the harder I try and seek God the harder I fail! Life is a journey. People often say let go and let God. Simple words. But challenging words.

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    1. It’s definitely a struggle that I’m realising will take some time to deal with, and it may never be dealt with completely in this life, but it’s a journey/process, and it does get easier and better. I know the truth of the statement that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better now. I think there are a lot of things we say that are simple and true but so hard to live, for me anyway.

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  6. Hi Juni!
    Thanks for visiting my blog, and following it! I’m so glad you did it because you now gave me the opportunity to get to know you.
    By this post alone, I can see that you are a sweet girl as you don’t like to let down other people. I have one thing to tell you: that isn’t in your hands.
    People always create expectations about ourselves. And no matter how good you meet them, it will only make those expectations higher and higher. You’ll never please them.
    I know how easy it is to be lost, and how difficult is to realise that (I’ve been in the same situation). You already make the most difficult step towards your true self: identifying the problem. Now, with some help, time and effort you will find how amazing you are (no matter what other people say).
    Designing Dreams, as you read, and probably why you followed it, is about happiness, and you can’t be happy if you can’t find yourself. So expect some insights about it. I hope it will help you in your journey. ❤

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    1. Thanks so much for this great comment! Definitely wanting to be rid of living up to expectations and ready to go on that journey of just being me. And, yep, love blogs like yours, and have finally worked out that I need to be me and be okay with me. Look forward to reading more from you!

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