How do I separate what I do from who I am? When I make a mistake, how do I stop thinking of myself as an idiot or a freak? When I do well, how do I stop thinking that makes me someone?
How do I separate what people think of me, what I think people think of me, and what I think of me from my identity and worth?
Is it just a matter of not thinking these things? A non-negotiable thing where I choose not to think these thoughts? That doesn’t work for me. I’ve tried it. I don’t have the energy for it.
Instead, should I acknowledge how I think and feel, be kind to myself, then remember my worth, and choose to believe that? That feels right to me.
I think I’ve got to stop being afraid of my thoughts and feelings – even the irrational ones and the ones I don’t want to have. I can observe my thoughts and feelings without wanting to get rid of them or judging myself for them.
I think I’m on a journey of worrying and stressing less. Of giving up control. I guess there’s no way I can do the Christian walk any other way. Otherwise it’s a constant tug-of-war with God and my Self. We want the same things but the journey would be smoother if I didn’t try to do it my way all the time and if I stopped stressing about everything. It’s easier without the battle – without the Self getting in the way.
I want to be a Self who doesn’t get in the way. I guess that’s what it means to be a surrendered and submitted Self. But I’m still here. I’m still being me as I follow Christ. It isn’t ‘not me’ following Christ, a ghost following Christ.
I like this idea of the real Self following Christ. The one who isn’t perfect and who isn’t in control. I can accept that Self. I don’t have to feel guilty for not being perfect or in control or keep trying to be these things like I always have. I’m okay just as I am.
So stop worrying. And don’t worry about other people wanting me to be perfect and in control. I can only be me. I don’t have to worry if people don’t agree with my journey or the way I think, because I’m imperfect. It’s okay. I don’t have to be perfect for anyone.
I’ve always felt like a bad person always doing the wrong thing. No wonder I tried so hard to be perfect and in control. I’ve been feeling guilty for things I don’t need to feel guilty about. I’ve been feeling guilty for being me.
Finally, I no longer feel like I’m a bad person doing the wrong thing. There’s no guilt or pressure anymore. I’m learning I’m okay as I am, as imperfect me.