Imperfect Me

How do I separate what I do from who I am? When I make a mistake, how do I stop thinking of myself as an idiot or a freak? When I do well, how do I stop thinking that makes me someone?

How do I separate what people think of me, what I think people think of me, and what I think of me from my identity and worth?

Is it just a matter of not thinking these things? A non-negotiable thing where I choose not to think these thoughts? That doesn’t work for me. I’ve tried it. I don’t have the energy for it.

Instead, should I acknowledge how I think and feel, be kind to myself, then remember my worth, and choose to believe that? That feels right to me.

I think I’ve got to stop being afraid of my thoughts and feelings – even the irrational ones and the ones I don’t want to have. I can observe my thoughts and feelings without wanting to get rid of them or judging myself for them.

I think I’m on a journey of worrying and stressing less. Of giving up control. I guess there’s no way I can do the Christian walk any other way. Otherwise it’s a constant tug-of-war with God and my Self. We want the same things but the journey would be smoother if I didn’t try to do it my way all the time and if I stopped stressing about everything. It’s easier without the battle – without the Self getting in the way.

I want to be a Self who doesn’t get in the way. I guess that’s what it means to be a surrendered and submitted Self. But I’m still here. I’m still being me as I follow Christ. It isn’t ‘not me’ following Christ, a ghost following Christ.

I like this idea of the real Self following Christ. The one who isn’t perfect and who isn’t in control. I can accept that Self. I don’t have to feel guilty for not being perfect or in control or keep trying to be these things like I always have. I’m okay just as I am.

So stop worrying. And don’t worry about other people wanting me to be perfect and in control. I can only be me. I don’t have to worry if people don’t agree with my journey or the way I think, because I’m imperfect. It’s okay. I don’t have to be perfect for anyone.

I’ve always felt like a bad person always doing the wrong thing. No wonder I tried so hard to be perfect and in control. I’ve been feeling guilty for things I don’t need to feel guilty about. I’ve been feeling guilty for being me.

Finally, I no longer feel like I’m a bad person doing the wrong thing. There’s no guilt or pressure anymore. I’m learning I’m okay as I am, as imperfect me.

Have you ever struggled with perfectionism?

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13 thoughts on “Imperfect Me

  1. Juni, you have made such an important realization! I know this world tries to pull us back in…all the subtle messages about how we’re not measuring up if we’re not bending over backward to please everyone else. It is hard at times to keep our focus on the one opinion that does matter, and the peace that comes with acceptance and surrender can be upturned. Please don’t lose sight of this. You deserve peace, acceptance and self-love. You are beautifully imperfect!! God bless you.

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    1. Definitely hope I never lose sight of this. It was such a painful lesson to learn and took a long time. It made a big impact, so I’m grateful for it and going on a journey to live out what I’ve learnt.

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  2. I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist as well as a control freak. Setting myself such high expectations I think has been one of the factors that has resulted in high stress and anxiety levels. But I’m trying to learn to do things differently now. Thanks for sharing such a positive message! 🙂

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  3. I can definitely relate to being a perfectionist. But I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head when you talk about getting out of the way. Being submitted to Christ is the cure to my perfectionism…thanks for sharing!

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  4. Juni, I have struggled with feeling worthless, evil and damaged for a long time. I never came close to accepting and forgiving myself until I meditated on Scripture reminding me of several key principles. First, there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Second, when we accept Jesus into our hearts, God separates us from our sin as far as the east is from the west. Third, we are given power through the Name of Jesus to begin walking in the Spirit and not in the flesh. I am comforted by the fact that we are a “new creature” in Christ. We are crucified with Him, and are joined with Him in His resurrection. Thank God the walk of being a Christian is about progress and not perfection. Thanks for your thought-provoking post.

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    1. I love the journey of progress. I think for me, I knew all the right things and believed them with a head knowledge but no matter how much I wanted to live by them, I didn’t have the energy. It took experience for me to confront the wrong beliefs I had and to change them. Without that painful experience, I think I’d still be thinking I’m the worst of the worst. Love how God works through us and around us and speaks to us in different ways.

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  5. To separate yourself from what you have done, the best thing to do is to ask yourself is if you tried your best because your best is all that you are able to give. To separate yourself from what others think, ask yourself the question, “What can I control?” As long as you’ve always tried your best and you remember to work with what you can control, the rest will become life lessons to build your person.

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