Anxious Mind

It’s uncontrollable. I feel bad about it, the fact that I can’t control my mind.

Even though I know my thoughts aren’t always true, they swirl in my brain and make my body tense. Sometimes they make me cry.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of things I know I logically shouldn’t be afraid of. In my mind I turn everyday conversations into accusations, people’s behaviour into disapproval, and social situations into examinations where I feel judged.

I know I shouldn’t worry what people think. I know people probably aren’t thinking about me. And I know that even if people are thinking about me, they’re probably not judging me as harshly as I think they are, if at all.

But my anxious mind takes over and sometimes it gets so bad that I feel sick.

I never used to be affected by anxiety like this. Sure, I worried and stressed about everything, but I’ve never had it affect me physically or be this uncontrollable. I’m clueless as to how to change things. I just want to talk to someone and talk it out.

I feel bad because I’m a Christian and there’s a perception that everything is solved when you know God. This shouldn’t worry me either since I know God is okay with going on a journey with us. But knowing I should be able to control my mind when I can’t adds to the anxiety, to be honest.

It’s like my mind is a horse running wild without a bridle. I’m scared, but I’m finally going to see a doctor tomorrow. I’m scared to admit all of this. I’m scared of what people will think. I’m scared they’ll treat me differently and worry about me.

I don’t think anyone would suspect that I feel like this. I’m generally bubbly and smiley on the outside. It’s mostly genuine, but I have a melancholy personality that I probably hide when I’m out, probably to fit in.

For the most part I’m fine and I’m excited about so much. Life is good and not everything makes me anxious. It’s just that certain things make me really anxious and it affects the rest of my life.

I’m hoping life can be even better without the anxiety or at least with anxiety reigned in.

Can anyone relate to this?

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27 thoughts on “Anxious Mind

  1. I can completely 100% relate. A few days ago we were told that our landlord is putting the home we live in on the market. It has rocked my entire world, and I spent two days in a daze. I feel like I existed, but my mind had switched off temporarily. I know the thoughts I need to have, I know that I need to find the positive aspects to this situation and focus on them, but it is EXTRAORDINARILY hard to get to that point.

    I find reading and writing calms my mind, so I spent last night doing exactly that. I hope you find peace of mind soon. Take care xx

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing. It’s good to know people relate. Usually my brain and I get along but sometimes it just does it’s own thing. I wouldn’t say it was my enemy but just that it doesn’t match up with what I want it to do/know it should do.
      I’m trying to focus on doing more of the things I love and the things that calm me. Thanks for the reminder about that.

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  2. I know so many people who suffer from anxiety and are almost crippled by it. Most of them are getting help and I’m happy that you are too. Hang in there – things will get better. Always remember that there’s a light at the end of every tunnel; just remember to breathe. Sending some positive energy your way. Xoxo

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  3. Honey! Right there with you! My I’ve been struggling with anziety for a couple years now and my body is the battleground. Mentally and physically. Everything you described I can relate to 100%. It SUCKS when someone just says “breath you’re fine.” No breathing doesn’t always help! Also remover you don’t always have to be bubbly. I out that pressure on my maker too. The idea that if I am not happy and positive and smiley then my negativity will rub off on people. But it is also a sign of needing support. So let those walls down. People will see and help. Anxiety is something I live with and unfortunately sometimes it is major cross too bear. But Christ hands is things He knows we can handle. He knows they will pain is and we will realize or strength. Call on Him! In the mist of an arch yell for Him. It feels foolish but who else will feel your exact pain ? No one! Think of this: with ever moment of shirt breath and negative thoughts Jesus is on the cross looking at you asking you to unite your pain with Him. Asking you to grow with Him through this. I wish I could say I know it gets better by experience but u don’t. I’m still trusting it will. If you ever need anything. Love&hugs

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    1. Thank you! It’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels like this and it’s even better to chat about it. I’m definitely trying to get to a place where I’ll be able to talk about this to anyone, anytime and to not let guilt or shame make me hide.
      I’m learning I might not actually need it to get better but just to be okay with it and still love myself in the midst of it. And to know I am loved even with it and that I’m not alone in it because Jesus is with me even when I’m anxious. I guess one of my fears is that this view won’t be acceptable to a lot of people and they’ll think there’s something wrong with me and want me to be ‘fixed.’
      Mostly I just want to open about it and chat about it even if it never goes away.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I can relate as well… Kudos to you for going to see a doctor. Anxiety is like a silent epidemic in our society and if we don’t start talking about it, it’s going to be like the plague… I have always had what I thought was healthy anxiety until I started to have panic attacks 5 years ago. They started while I was at work… Chest pain dizziness, sweating Etc. luckily,
    I work at a hospital, so since I was obviously dying (lol)
    Wound up in ER there for a brief period… From there wound up going for a battery of medical tests to make sure I didn’t actually have something wrong with me because I f let symptoms off and on that were so intensely physical… Nothing wrong! So have been seeing a therapist for a few years… Took 4 before I think I found one that truly clicks with me… Good luck on your journey! There is hope and again, thank you for sharing!

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    1. Thank you. I sort of agree, if we don’t talk about it so many people will suffer in silence with only their own thoughts feeding the anxiety.
      I’d say I thought I had healthy stress my whole life. I’ve just always been stressed but mostly used it to do well at things. But it became exhausting and I became non-existent. And it was pretty horrible there for a while. And now I’m left with this lingering tension in my body that never seems to go away. And my mind is just uncontrollable in certain areas. I’m hoping going to a doctor will help but not sure what will happen. Not sure if they’ll say I’m fine and it’s all in my head or if they’ll think I should see a psychologist. But I guess I just got to a point where I want to see someone about it and see what they think since what I think isn’t helping.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m glad you’re going to talk to a doctor. Anxiety can be a serious mental health issue. Being a Christian doesn’t keep us from these concerns, but it does mean that we’re not walking through them alone. Jesus knows, and He is with you, and He loves you, even in the midst of this struggle. Right where you’re at. I echo the commenter above – you’ll get through this. It will pass.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad too, just want to talk about it and get out of my own head. But a little nervous as I wait for the appointment. And it’s definitely a help knowing that Jesus is walking with me through it and not cracking a whip telling me I need to get better. It’s usually me cracking the whip but I have to learn to let go of the whip and the judgements.

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  6. I can understand. Therapy didn’t help me much, but I hope it helps you. I’ve figured a lot out on my own and with the right self help books, like the mindful path to self compassion. It’s really great you are talking about it and you shouldn’t feel ashamed at all. Lots of people deal with this, especially creative types. Part of it is not resisting negative emotions. They are a normal part of life and when we label them as bad, we may think of ourselves as bad and that is not the case. I think of emotions as sign posts to help me understand what is going on with me. It’s just another form of communication. It’s not easy to figure out, so be patient with yourself as you do. It’s a process. I’m here if you want to talk. DM me @anaturaldreamer if so.

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    1. I love hearing all these responses because it really does help me to not be ashamed of it. Talking about it is just so helpful and I really do hope everyone who goes through things like this can talk about it. The fear of people judging you or freaking out is strong, but there are always people who get it and I’m so thankful.
      I love your perspective and it’s been something I’m learning. I used to hate emotions but I’m trying to embrace them and live with them instead of avoid them or let them destroy me. Learning to dialogue with my emotions. Thanks so much for the support!

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  7. Anxiety is another way fear has crept in to try and cripple us and the devil uses it to keep us from fulfilling our destinies. I was dealt with depression and thank God He delivered me. With prayer, writing, talking to a therapist, I stand today. However, in recent years and now, I have been gripped with anxiety, especially now because of changes and issues at work, etc. As I was telling someone yesterday, I wake up and next anxiety hits me. But worship music, and declaring God’s Word, and I realized that laughing and laughing with someone helps to destress and distract me from the anxiety that was trying to distract me from life. It is a process letting go, not trying to stay in control over your future, not remaining in your past, constant worrying (this is anxiety); however, fight and seek help and support. God won over my depression so I know He will do the same for anxiety and I will be praying for you!

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    1. And Also I believe I read somewhere to not fight the anxiety or emotions coming on. Allow yourself to feel and then naturally come down. Don’t let the fear scare you (no pun intended). Fear wants to hype you up over something that really doesn’t need that response. False alarms truly. Stay encouraged!

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      1. Thanks so much! I’m trying to find and do the things that de-stress me and things that give me joy and rest. Just learning how to be okay with the thoughts instead of judge myself for them. Instead of raging against myself I’m trying to accept and love myself. But it’s so hard when my mind thinks its own thoughts and my body takes over with all that fear and tension. Willing to walk through and talk through it though.

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        1. You welcome Juni Desireé! Same here! Yesterday, I started back journaling as I love to write and sort through my feelings. I have been quite anxious alot but I am trying to not run from the emotions and anxiety. I am trying to face it and allow God to help overcome them as well as grow! One day at a time Juni!!!

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  8. I would say that this sounds like the general journey of getting to know the self. We have so many influences that distract us on our journey and I believe they were presented to us to build us stronger and help us develop into what we are meant to be. It will be continuous because life changes every day but it will still be a help for our person. Believe in your person and continue your journey one day at a time =)

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  9. I can relate entirely to this post, as I was in the same position a few years ago. I was having up to 10 panic attacks daily and like you, I wondered “why is this happening if I have a relationship with God?” Being on the other side of anxiety now, I can share a few things. 1) Do not allow yourself to be ashamed to seek help beyond your relationship with God. God has equipped people (counselors, social workers, etc.) to be His healing agents in this world. Don’t be ashamed if you need counseling, medication, and additional support. It’s there for a reason. 2) Anxiety is more common than you think. Don’t worry that sharing with others will result in stigma. 3) There is hope. Anxiety can be hell on earth, but don’t give up! Reach out. There are people that will help if you let them know what’s going on.

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  10. I enjoyed your post! Yes I’ve been there. Intense anxiety and panic attacks. I got to a point where I was afraid to drive or leave the house because I didn’t know what my body would do.
    I’m so far ahead of where I was 5 years ago.
    Julie

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