It’s uncontrollable. I feel bad about it, the fact that I can’t control my mind.
Even though I know my thoughts aren’t always true, they swirl in my brain and make my body tense. Sometimes they make me cry.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid of things I know I logically shouldn’t be afraid of. In my mind I turn everyday conversations into accusations, people’s behaviour into disapproval, and social situations into examinations where I feel judged.
I know I shouldn’t worry what people think. I know people probably aren’t thinking about me. And I know that even if people are thinking about me, they’re probably not judging me as harshly as I think they are, if at all.
But my anxious mind takes over and sometimes it gets so bad that I feel sick.
I never used to be affected by anxiety like this. Sure, I worried and stressed about everything, but I’ve never had it affect me physically or be this uncontrollable. I’m clueless as to how to change things. I just want to talk to someone and talk it out.
I feel bad because I’m a Christian and there’s a perception that everything is solved when you know God. This shouldn’t worry me either since I know God is okay with going on a journey with us. But knowing I should be able to control my mind when I can’t adds to the anxiety, to be honest.
It’s like my mind is a horse running wild without a bridle. I’m scared, but I’m finally going to see a doctor tomorrow. I’m scared to admit all of this. I’m scared of what people will think. I’m scared they’ll treat me differently and worry about me.
I don’t think anyone would suspect that I feel like this. I’m generally bubbly and smiley on the outside. It’s mostly genuine, but I have a melancholy personality that I probably hide when I’m out, probably to fit in.
For the most part I’m fine and I’m excited about so much. Life is good and not everything makes me anxious. It’s just that certain things make me really anxious and it affects the rest of my life.
I’m hoping life can be even better without the anxiety or at least with anxiety reigned in.