I’m back from my appointment at the doctor.
I cried. She listened. I filled out a survey. The diagnosis seems to be mild to moderate depression and anxiety with mild panic attacks. She referred me to a psychologist.
It took me ages to build up the courage to see a doctor. For the past few years I’ve wanted to talk to someone about all this but I never did. So many things made me afraid.
I was afraid of the cost. But my appointment and the psychology sessions are free with my health care card. Whoa! I feel like God is providing for my need and telling me I’m doing the right thing by seeing someone and not trying to do this alone. I’m doing the right thing facing this instead of covering it up.
I was afraid it was all in my head. I even asked the doctor, ‘So do you really think I have anxiety or is it my head making things up?’ She said she thought what I was describing sounded like anxiety and mild panic attacks.
This kind of shocked me because I never thought I was having panic attacks. I thought I was just intensely stressed. Plus I don’t really know why I’m having them so I couldn’t give it a name.
I was afraid of what people would think. One of the hardest things about all this is that from one perspective my life is perfect. I know I have everything, but that adds to the guilt I feel about struggling. And I’m so good at hiding the struggle that to reveal it now is scary. What if they don’t believe me? What if they think I’m just being dramatic and over-sensitive? What if they think I shouldn’t be anxious?
It’s hard to be living in my own world of struggle and sadness and then go out into the world and be joyful with everyone else. But that’s what I’ve always done. I’m trying to learn how to be honest with the world and not worry what people think.
Thank you so much everyone who commented on the last post. The support and shared experience means a lot. Thank you for talking about this stuff with me. It helps.