The Diagnosis

I’m back from my appointment at the doctor.

I cried. She listened. I filled out a survey. The diagnosis seems to be mild to moderate depression and anxiety with mild panic attacks. She referred me to a psychologist.

It took me ages to build up the courage to see a doctor. For the past few years I’ve wanted to talk to someone about all this but I never did. So many things made me afraid.

I was afraid of the cost. But my appointment and the psychology sessions are free with my health care card. Whoa! I feel like God is providing for my need and telling me I’m doing the right thing by seeing someone and not trying to do this alone. I’m doing the right thing facing this instead of covering it up.

I was afraid it was all in my head. I even asked the doctor, ‘So do you really think I have anxiety or is it my head making things up?’ She said she thought what I was describing sounded like anxiety and mild panic attacks.

This kind of shocked me because I never thought I was having panic attacks. I thought I was just intensely stressed. Plus I don’t really know why I’m having them so I couldn’t give it a name.

I was afraid of what people would think. One of the hardest things about all this is that from one perspective my life is perfect. I know I have everything, but that adds to the guilt I feel about struggling. And I’m so good at hiding the struggle that to reveal it now is scary. What if they don’t believe me? What if they think I’m just being dramatic and over-sensitive? What if they think I shouldn’t be anxious?

It’s hard to be living in my own world of struggle and sadness and then go out into the world and be joyful with everyone else. But that’s what I’ve always done. I’m trying to learn how to be honest with the world and not worry what people think.

Thank you so much everyone who commented on the last post. The support and shared experience means a lot. Thank you for talking about this stuff with me. It helps.

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24 thoughts on “The Diagnosis

  1. You are awesome and very brave. One thing I have found is as I have opened up to people (who would have never guessed I was struggling) regarding my anxiety, I have found many have had an issue at one time or another… Many have been or are on meds. I always worried about what other people thought as well, but I was welcomed by many hugs and offers of support! Lots of luck to you!

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  2. Don’t ever worry of what others will think of you. The only thing that matters to you in times like these, is you. Make sure you take care of yourself first of all, and be sure to do what makes you feel good. We all have something in life to struggle with, and we can still feel good in other moments. Allow yourself to feel that, as well. Live in the moment, embrace what you are and allow yourself to fully be you in each moment. People will definitely love you more for being your true you (and if they don’t there’s no room for them, anyway!).

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  3. You are incredibly courageous to have the strength to go see your doctor. It’s not easy. As for talking to friends and family, try not to fear their judgement. From experience I’ve learned that they will be so proud of you and your honesty!

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  4. So glad you chose to see a doctor. As hard as dealing with depression and anxiety can be, it is still very hard to ask for help. I found that getting the diagnosis was a relief. I wasn’t just making it all up in my head…it was real, and most importantly, treatable. Much love and prayers for you!

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  5. I understand the feeling of feeling guilty of having a perfect and normal life outside but yet still feel that a piece inside is falling and seem not within our control. Stay strong and fighting! God bless.

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  6. Great step forward. You can only get better when you admit you need help…guidance, an empathic listener, a shoulder to cry on…Many have been where you are and there is light at the end…

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