Up until last year I used to say that I didn’t have feelings. I’d even go as far as to say that I had a cold heart. I took pride in it because I didn’t want feelings. I was sceptical of them. I didn’t trust them or value them. I put my faith in my mind, in the rational world.
So I’ve never been a typical emotional girl. I’m the cool, calm and collected type. But to think I had no emotions at all was a mistake. I’m learning that I simply suppressed them.
Last year when I felt truly depressed and anxious, I became an emotional wreck. The depression has eased but I’m still left with emotions.
I feel like I’ve gone the other way. Instead of thinking I have no emotions, I now feel like all I am is emotion. This is so new. I’m emotional. I’ve never said that in my life before.
I don’t know how to handle them. They can become so overwhelming and control me. Because my emotions are so strong, I come to believe them. They become my truth. But my brain knows they aren’t truth. So it’s hard to be in this place. It feels like I’m two people.
It’s like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. I go from being fine to being anxious really quickly. One minute I don’t have an anxious thought and the next I’ll be picturing putting my head through a glass window. The contrast between the two extremes is confusing.
I took the MBTI test again this week and I came out as an INFJ. And I’m an ISTJ! So this just shows me how new this all is for me.
I actually relate to a lot of the INFJ profile. I have strong beliefs that I’m active about living, I love connecting with people, and I have a passion for helping and giving. And I do feel things very deeply; I just never expressed my emotions.
I think the lingering anxiety makes me super sensitive to little things though. Since I’m in an emotionally fragile state to begin with, I guess anything can set me off.
So I’m looking forward to talking to a psychologist about all this and seeing if I can reign in my thoughts and feelings.
The good thing is I’m no longer feeling guilty about all this. I’m trying to embrace my feelings, value them, and express them in creative ways. I’m extremely intrigued by it all, actually, and I’m excited to explore it further.
I’m hoping this can help me become a more rounded human being with a balance between the rational and emotional parts of me.