After a failed self-hosted website attempt, I had a month off blogging and took a break from writing in public.
I wasn’t sure if I would blog again and I was almost ready to give up on writing. I needed to take some time to write for my eyes only. I needed to get away from the pressure of writing for an audience. I didn’t want my audience to change me, to change how I wrote.
And so I wrote for me. And I remembered why I wrote.
I can’t not write. There are things in me that just need to come out. They come out in writing.
When I write in my journal, I like what I write. I like how I sound. Because it’s me. It’s real. I want to write like that no matter who is reading my words.
So I started this blog because I just want to be me. I want the real me to be seen.
I read Allison Fallon’s book about writing and it helped me understand why my previous blogging attempts failed.
I didn’t know who I was. And when I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I want to say. So no matter how big my audience, it means nothing. I get moulded into what I think my audience wants because I lack a sense of self and only give them what I think they want to hear.
But the real valuable stuff comes when I am me and I say what I want to say. The valuable stuff is also the vulnerable stuff, though, because it’s scary to be me and say what I want to say. But, as I said in my very first post about why I created this blog, I want to go there.
So what I mostly do with this blog is take my journal entries (or the ideas from them) and post them. There is a little editing to add context and to make them coherent and comprehendible. Some posts I polish more than others, but essentially, this blog is the raw stuff from my journal pages. The truest version of me.
I’ve learnt I need to write for my eyes only first. As soon as I write for my audience first, I can feel something isn’t right. Often this means drafting my blog post in a Word document and not in the WordPress new post box. Getting away from the blog platform helps me remember I’m writing for me first.
As long as I write for me first, I will be me and say what I want to say. And I will be okay with whatever I write because it’s me. I am okay with this blog because it’s me.