I’m a Fixer

I had another epiphany.

I couldn’t work out why I was feeling conflicted. I was feeling agitated abut a situation, and deep down I had the sense that things weren’t sitting right with me. But I didn’t know why. So I had a chat to someone about it and they said, ‘You’re not responsible.’

I started crying because I realised it came back to that. It always comes back to this. How did I miss it?

I grew up always feeling responsible for everyone and everything. I became a fixer.

When my friends were fighting at school, I was the one rushing around trying to hear both sides of the story so I could help each person understand things from the other person’s perspective. I was the middle person, going back and forth between them, trying to patch things up.

One time while I was in the middle of my rushing around, one of my friends told me, ‘It’s not your problem. Stop interfering.’ It stung. All I wanted was for my friends to make up but I realised the truth of my friend’s words. It was none of my business. Part of me also wanted it to be my business so I could feel important being the fixer. But they had to sort it out themselves. They’re friendship didn’t depend on me fixing things for them. So I butted out and eventually they did become friends again.

When I was out of high school, I was still fixing things though. Two of my friends weren’t taking to each other but I was emailing them. I tried to patch things up and became the middle person when one friend asked me to apologise to the other friend for them. So I did, and they started talking to each other again. My friend even thanked me for it. But really, this was their problem and my friend should have been the one to apologise directly.

My nature wants to deal with people’s problems so they won’t have to deal with problems themselves. I’d rather take their pain than let them feel it. I think I’m being helpful, but that doesn’t help anyone.

I became a peace-keeper thinking it was a good thing. But a peace-keeper keeps things quiet and doesn’t let anyone deal with problems or pain. A peace-keeper sweeps them under a rug so that everyone can get along.

I’m learning I need to be a peace-maker. To be a peace-maker sometimes you need to get things out in the open so that people can deal with them. I guess there isn’t any peace in that moment of facing the problems and pain, but it will lead to peace. It will make peace as people make peace with their situations.

I need to make peace with my own situations. And I need to let people make peace with their own situations. I can’t do it for them no matter how much I want to.

Somehow I got it into my head that people’s wellbeing depends me, but I’m learning I’m not responsible. It hurts. Because I hate seeing people hurting, fighting, struggling, crying, breaking. But I have to let people and situations go. I don’t control them. I am not responsible for them.

I feel agitated when I want to fix something that I can’t fix. But I have to learn to accept things the way they are instead of rush around trying to make things the way I want them to be.

And now the pressure is off me. Phew!

Can you relate to being a fixer?

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “I’m a Fixer

  1. I can so relate to this! I’ve been a fixer for most of my life and it’s only recently that I’m learning that I don’t have to be, and, in fact, I shouldn’t be. It’s stealing an opportunity of growth from the people I’m trying to help, and how is that fair? That realization is what really made a difference for me.

    Like

    1. Love it when people can relate. I’m only just learning as well that I don’t need to be a fixer. It’s good to know that I can just let people and things be instead of get so worked up about everything. But I guess I’ve got enough to deal with with my own growth. And just hope and pray that people people do the same. Thanks heaps for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I think that’s one of the biggest parts of it. I absorb other people’s pain so readily and so completely that it can be absolutely crippling and overwhelming, and I just want to help them stop hurting. If I could take the pain away, I would. But one thing that’s helped me with that is realizing how much my own pain has helped me to grow, and I don’t want to steal that from someone else. There’s healing on the other side.

          Like

  2. I can certainly relate to be a fixer. Until I realized that I was being selfish by doing so, I could not stop doing it. Why was I selfish? Well, for starters I was not allowing others to fix their own mess and not allowing them to grow personally, secondly, I just didn’t like the noise associated with people being in turmoil. So, to get rid of the “noise” I tried to fix the situation. I was really being selfish. Great post!! Thanks for sharing! 🙂

    Like

    1. Definitely can relate. And so true. I guess I feel guilty if I’m not fretting or doing something to try and fix things. So I have to learn to stop fretting and to know that not fretting isn’t selfish of me.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Have you ever asked yourself why you enjoy being the peace keeper? I also questioned this in my life and when the true answer was found it helped me to become stronger in my ways. Find the reasons why it was always great for you and be proud that you were able to be your person.

    Like

    1. Interesting question. A big part of me didn’t like it. It was frustrating. I never wanted to be the middle person; the conflict agitated me, and it didn’t make me happy in that sense. So it didn’t feel great, it felt like a burden in many ways.
      I guess it depends on the situation though.
      I mentioned that feeling of being important, I guess I enjoyed that part. But I think that comes more from insecurity. As though I get to belong and be someone only when I know everyone’s business and control people.
      I guess on the positive side, the good intention was there to see peace, but the insecurity and butting in – not so good.

      Like

        1. I don’t think I would have ever put it in those terms at the time. Maybe if I dug deeper I would have found love. I guess care was a motivation, but the overwhelming feeling I remember most is to make things better so I’d feel better (or to feel important). The agitation was a big motivation.

          Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s