I had another epiphany.
I couldn’t work out why I was feeling conflicted. I was feeling agitated abut a situation, and deep down I had the sense that things weren’t sitting right with me. But I didn’t know why. So I had a chat to someone about it and they said, ‘You’re not responsible.’
I started crying because I realised it came back to that. It always comes back to this. How did I miss it?
I grew up always feeling responsible for everyone and everything. I became a fixer.
When my friends were fighting at school, I was the one rushing around trying to hear both sides of the story so I could help each person understand things from the other person’s perspective. I was the middle person, going back and forth between them, trying to patch things up.
One time while I was in the middle of my rushing around, one of my friends told me, ‘It’s not your problem. Stop interfering.’ It stung. All I wanted was for my friends to make up but I realised the truth of my friend’s words. It was none of my business. Part of me also wanted it to be my business so I could feel important being the fixer. But they had to sort it out themselves. They’re friendship didn’t depend on me fixing things for them. So I butted out and eventually they did become friends again.
When I was out of high school, I was still fixing things though. Two of my friends weren’t taking to each other but I was emailing them. I tried to patch things up and became the middle person when one friend asked me to apologise to the other friend for them. So I did, and they started talking to each other again. My friend even thanked me for it. But really, this was their problem and my friend should have been the one to apologise directly.
My nature wants to deal with people’s problems so they won’t have to deal with problems themselves. I’d rather take their pain than let them feel it. I think I’m being helpful, but that doesn’t help anyone.
I became a peace-keeper thinking it was a good thing. But a peace-keeper keeps things quiet and doesn’t let anyone deal with problems or pain. A peace-keeper sweeps them under a rug so that everyone can get along.
I’m learning I need to be a peace-maker. To be a peace-maker sometimes you need to get things out in the open so that people can deal with them. I guess there isn’t any peace in that moment of facing the problems and pain, but it will lead to peace. It will make peace as people make peace with their situations.
I need to make peace with my own situations. And I need to let people make peace with their own situations. I can’t do it for them no matter how much I want to.
Somehow I got it into my head that people’s wellbeing depends me, but I’m learning I’m not responsible. It hurts. Because I hate seeing people hurting, fighting, struggling, crying, breaking. But I have to let people and situations go. I don’t control them. I am not responsible for them.
I feel agitated when I want to fix something that I can’t fix. But I have to learn to accept things the way they are instead of rush around trying to make things the way I want them to be.
And now the pressure is off me. Phew!