6th February 2015, Prismacolor pencils on A3 cartridge paper
30th October 2015, Prismacolour pencils on A4 cartridge paper
For some people, the first picture looks like a world of fun and adventure while the second picture looks bland and boring. But for me, the first picture is a world of pain and confusion. I like my life to look like the second picture. Ordered, clear, safe, in control.
I drew the first picture when I moved from Melbourne to Queensland and felt completely out of control. I had culture shock. Melbourne was familiar and comfortable. Queensland was the scary unknown. I had no idea which direction to go, and I wondered if I’d make a mistake leaving Melbourne.
I became intensely introspective. I needed so much alone time because I couldn’t make sense of anything. I couldn’t make sense of me. I was a swirling mess—overwhelmed, numb, melancholy, passive, and irritable.
Then I felt God say, ‘Be still. Just be still. It’s confusing, but it’s all okay. It’s okay to be here in this place not knowing anything. Be still in the not knowing.’
This reassured me that it was okay to be in this place of mess, that I didn’t need answers, and I didn’t need to be frantic about finding them. I didn’t need to be in control or try to get control back.
I thought it would be easy to be still. But when I looked at the picture of my life, all I could think was: how on earth am I meant to be still in that? I realised that I’d never been still in my life and told God that if he wanted me to be still, then he was going to have to show me how.
Then as I was reading Isaiah 30:21 I felt God speak to me. Whether I turn to the right or the left, my ears will hear a voice behind me saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it.’ It told me that it didn’t matter that my life looked like chaos. All I had to do was be still and trust that at the right time God would show me the way to go.