Art: In My Mind

In My Mind – The curse of metacognition
In My Mind – The curse of metacognition

17th July 2015, Prismacolor pencils on A3 cartridge paper

Some people have trouble staying in the present moment. My struggle is that I have trouble finding meaning in the present moment.

When my thoughts detach themselves from the present moment, I can get very existential where nothing makes sense and nothing matters. Everything seems surreal. Like when I say the word ‘fork’ over and over again, suddenly the idea of a fork becomes absurd to me.

When I think about anything too intensely I get baffled by its existence. I’m constantly baffled that I exist, that this world exists, that anything exists. It makes me wonder why things are the way they are and if it even matters that they are here.

I often feel like I stand outside of life and outside my mind. It feels like I’m two people: the me who is living in the world and the me who is a spectator of myself in the world. I analyse life, myself, and my thoughts: thinking about thinking about thinking. It’s like living in a box inside a box inside a box.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just a brain in a vat because there really is no way to tell. Maybe this world doesn’t exist and nothing exists outside of my mind. Sometimes it feels like all I am is a mind. I live in this thing called life but I experience everything through my mind. I can get a big ego about it but sometimes I just want to break out of my own mind. I want to stop living in my head questioning everything so I can live in the world with meaning.

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5 thoughts on “Art: In My Mind

  1. Keep looking! The meaning will eventually emerge. You just need to be patient. By the way, you are doing really well in this life! You are a very young woman looking for meaning. That is already a huge step in life. Most people start looking when they are old and realize their mortality.

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    1. Hehe, and will keep living. In a way, I think the meaning is there when I’m living and not looking. As soon as I start to examine it, I find myself in the absurd. In the thick of living, I’m surrounded by meaning. Thanks so much!

      Like

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