17th July 2015, Prismacolor pencils on A3 cartridge paper
Some people have trouble staying in the present moment. My struggle is that I have trouble finding meaning in the present moment.
When my thoughts detach themselves from the present moment, I can get very existential where nothing makes sense and nothing matters. Everything seems surreal. Like when I say the word ‘fork’ over and over again, suddenly the idea of a fork becomes absurd to me.
When I think about anything too intensely I get baffled by its existence. I’m constantly baffled that I exist, that this world exists, that anything exists. It makes me wonder why things are the way they are and if it even matters that they are here.
I often feel like I stand outside of life and outside my mind. It feels like I’m two people: the me who is living in the world and the me who is a spectator of myself in the world. I analyse life, myself, and my thoughts: thinking about thinking about thinking. It’s like living in a box inside a box inside a box.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just a brain in a vat because there really is no way to tell. Maybe this world doesn’t exist and nothing exists outside of my mind. Sometimes it feels like all I am is a mind. I live in this thing called life but I experience everything through my mind. I can get a big ego about it but sometimes I just want to break out of my own mind. I want to stop living in my head questioning everything so I can live in the world with meaning.