The price for free will is pain; the gain is love.
Deny your pain and you deny love.
Deny love and you deny the one thing that will heal the pain.
You can hide pain and get angry.
You can protect yourself with that anger.
Or you can show pain and receive love.
Love is stronger than any other form of protection.
When you hold love, there’s no room for anything else and you let everything else go.
* * *
I got these insights when I read the book Power of Surrender by Joelle.
They are profound for me. They are truths that are so deep that I need time to process them to know what they really mean—what they mean for me.
To be honest, I often want to give up free will if it means I won’t feel pain. If it means I could just be forced to do the right thing. If it means my actions, desires, thoughts . . . won’t hurt me or anyone else. And I often want to give up free will if it means I don’t have to bother with love. Not romantic love, any love to do with people relating to people.
I guess I’ve grown up associating love with pain. Pain that is caused by free will. I’ve never really thought love was worth it. That quote about it being better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, I 100% agree with my head but have never really agreed with my heart no matter how much I’ve wanted to.
But the Great Genius tells me love is worth it. Love is worth loss. Love is worth pain. Love is worth free will.
And I know that love is powerful, the most powerful thing in the world. I know that love is good. I know that love changes everything.
It has changed me. It is changing me. And it will change all of me.
But I would like to value love as much as God does. I would like love to be enough. I would like love to heal every painful part of me.
Maybe I’m holding onto anger. Maybe I’m protecting myself. Maybe I’m denying my pain. Maybe I’m denying love. Maybe I’m scared of love. Maybe I run from love.
But love is the one thing I should be running to. So I’m in this place where I want to want love. Where I want to know love. Not just parts of it. The complete kind. I want to know more of love. I want to know only love.
I want to embrace it and not push it away.
I’ve glimpsed it. I’ve got it. I want to know the reality of it. What it looks like, sounds like, feels like, tastes like. Bring it on!