8th August 2015, Prismacolor pencils on A3 cartridge paper
My mind’s default mode is to think everyone is judging me, regardless of if people are actually judging me or not. I’m constantly analysing and criticising myself, so I assume other people are doing the same thing to me.
This is what my mind is like: ‘Are they thinking about me? What are they thinking? How is my body language? Is the expression on my face okay? What should the tone of my voice be like? Should I say something or be quiet?
This is the voice of my inner critic projecting itself onto other people. It’s exhausting. This is a big reason why being with people is exhausting and I need alone time. It’s also why I call my room my sanctuary. It’s a place where I don’t feel judged and I can just rest and be me.
I don’t feel judged all the time and I really do love spending time with people and connecting with them. But at the time I drew this picture I felt like I was always being watched and people were telling me to be a certain way. It was like being given a score out of ten, a tick or a cross. I felt like it wasn’t okay to be the way I was. It made me want to hide and stay away from people.
One of the things I have to remember is that people probably aren’t judging me. They probably aren’t even thinking about me. They’re more likely to be thinking about themselves and worrying about their own problems with their own internal critic judging them.
I also have to remember that even if people are judging me, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to make me hide.