Art: See Me

See Who I Am
See Me – This is how I feel on the inside

9th August 2015, Prismacolor pencils on A3 cartridge paper

This was my attempt at drawing something ugly, confused, angry and violent. Because sometimes I feel ugly and confused, and sometimes I get angry and violent towards myself. I get really frustrated when people don’t see it.

At the time I drew this, I pictured myself tearing my skin off and smashing my head into a glass door. I’d never do this, but there were times when I wondered if it would get so bad that I wouldn’t be able to control myself.

What I really wanted, though, was for people to see me. The inside of me. The ugliness, confusion, anger, violence and pain. All I wanted was to express this, but since I couldn’t do this outwardly (for fear of judgement, rejection and being misunderstood), I resorted to having those violent visions.

Out of all my drawings, this is probably the one I’m most afraid to show people because it’s so raw and exposed. I used to struggle to look at it because the inside of me scared me. But now it’s one of my favourite pictures because it’s so real.

It’s psychedelic, it’s crazy, it’s sad, it’s stunned, it’s lonely, it’s hurt, it’s desperate, it’s conflicted, it’s screaming, it’s silenced. It’s everything I can relate to. The blonde side represents the ideal picture of the person I always wanted to be but never will be. The brunette side represents the reality and how hard it can be to embrace it. It’s not always pretty, but it’s me. I’m learning to accept it, but my fear is that others won’t know what to do with it.

I heard an interview on the radio where a singer talked about a hard time she went through. It got so bad that she pictured herself driving her car into a pole. When she told this to a friend, her friend said maybe she should find a more positive way to express herself. The singer started writing in a journal and turned her writing into songs.

This inspired me. I like that the friend didn’t freak out and tell the singer she needed to think or feel differently. She didn’t tell her friend she needed to be fixed. Instead, it was as if she was saying, ‘It’s okay to feel the way you do. Find a way to express it in a way that can help you walk through it rather than destroy you.’

So I don’t want people to freak out because of the way I feel sometimes. I know it’s just something I feel in a moment. It will pass and it isn’t all of me. But what I’d love is to be able to show the inside of me instead of hiding behind a smile and a, ‘I’m fine, thanks.’ I want to be real. Maybe I could hold this picture in front of my face and say, ‘Hey, this is how I’m feeling right now. It’s okay. Give me some space and I’ll catch up with you when this passes.’

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28 thoughts on “Art: See Me

  1. I also went through what you went through and I agree with why it is so hard to express it openly for people’s reaction. I’m not worried about their judgement towards me, it’s more about them freaking out about what I feel or think inside my head that stops me from telling others about how I feel. But, I think it’s great you can express yourself through drawing like this. I like your drawing too.

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  2. I love how you have expressed your feelings here, and your drawing is superb. I think we are conditioned from a very young age to not display anything we feel is negative about ourselves. Everyone is so concerned with maintaining ‘positive’ outside appearances that we no longer know how to react when someone has the courage to say ‘there is stuff in here that isn’t pretty’. Instead of accepting it and acknowledging our own issues, we push back/freak out and make that person feel like expressing their truth isn’t okay. Great post!

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    1. Thank you so much! Out of all my drawings, this one is the scariest one to show people. I totally agree with your thoughts here. I’d love for everyone to become more comfortable with expressing and seeing the not so pretty stuff. I’m learning to be more comfortable with my own mess, so that’s a start.

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    1. Thank you so much! Funny how even when I was trying to draw something ugly, I was still so aware of aesthetics, colour, and symmetry. In the end it sort of looks stunned, confused, sad, and colourfully psychedelic all at the same time.

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  3. I have been there and I can relate. I love the way you express yourself, very relatable and I know reading the raw sincerity and transparency will help many others (and I am one of them). Thank you for this post.

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  4. Hi! Just wanted to say that I’m so glad you followed me, it just motivated me that bit more especially after taking up blogging again after such a long time. Much love
    -R

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  5. It is great to see you wanting to express yourself and it takes real courage to express both sides. It is always best to find some balance in all that we experience. As hard as some experiences can feel, it is always best to approach it with honesty.

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  6. This is beautiful and honest. I think ugly is beautiful. Some of the best things in my life have come out of “ugly” times. The ideal of beauty that society places on things is false. Beauty is in everything. Your art is moving. Keep going you matter! Xo

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  7. What a wonderful and touching post. I agree with what chvpter30 stated about some of the best things in her life came out of “ugly times. I believe that has happened for a lot of us. Keep up what you are doing here, it may not only be helping you, but as you can see from you other comments, you are helping others speak their truth as well. I think that is wonderful, beautiful and powerful!

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  8. I have been through this. I think I am still going through it. It is great that you are channeling your emotions into doing something so productive. That drawing is edgy. And beautiful. Keep ’em coming!

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      1. I have reflecteon this on one of my earliest posts. I think we all have dormant emotions which are triggered only through a very evident emotional disturbance: good or bad.
        You will get through it. We all will. 🙂

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  9. Beautiful post and beautiful art ☺
    It’s not always easy to be able to express yourself, sometimes the emotions are so confusing and overwhelming… Art is a great medium 🙂

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