My first attempt at first thoughts

I wrote this when I was struggling to write for a few days. I really wanted and needed to write but it wasn’t until the emotion built up to a certain level that I could write without listening to the internal censor.

Note the awkward beginning. The lack of punctuation and grammar. The rawness, which my internal censor wanted to cover. The thoughts just as they are without any censoring: my ‘naked brain.’

It can be painful to read this trash but if you persist, you see how this process of writing first thoughts helps. How it helped me know my issue, confront it, and then move past it. It also gives me a starting point to write something polished because there are little gems buried in this trash. I just needed to get the trash out to find them.

That’s trusting the process: to know that it will help you be yourself and that it will give you gems to work with.

Welcome to my naked brain:

So annoying. Freaking heck. Stupid computer wiped my entry. Trying to write and it wipes it. Makes me want to cry and tear the skin off my face. Start again.

Trying record these stupid thoughts. Please let me do it. Thinking about first thoughts and the need to write them but not being able to and getting frustrated. And not doing anything for days and drawing cos I can’t write. And being too full and too angry and sad and bored and pathetic and apathetic and self-pity and self-hatred and blame and shame and stupid.

And I can’t face myself on the page cos this too much and too scary and too ugly and too horrible. And I hate it. And I want to be me and every time I can’t be me I hate myself even more. And I don’t know who I am so how can I know what to hate. Cos I impress and it’s so much more fun than life on my own where I’m bored out of my brain.

And direction taking me where I don’t want to go. Man, stressful and impostor and that other part of my brain, the reasonable part saying go, get over yourself and it will be good for you and it’s just emotion talking right now and you’ll do what you always do and always will do and run. There’s a lot of hatred here and I don’t know if I’m just being spoilt brat and stupid and I will have a clear head about this later and think this is all ridiculous and just go but I want my way and what will win out.

It’s my choice. I can take the easy way out. I don’t know. Part of me wants to stand up for something but it might be a childish part of me and a childish thing to stand up for. But part of me wants to assert my authority or something and have a say. But I can’t trust myself cos what if that part holds me back and it’s fear talking and this is so stupid. And then all the second guessing. And disobedience comes into and it and feeling like a bad person and I don’t want to pretend anymore. And keep being the bigger person. And getting over myself and doing the right thing. And that sounds so stupid. I won’t regret anything, it will just be a case of missing out.

I can live with that. Journey. But, I don’t know. What I want versus the right thing or obedience or fear or I don’t know. Maybe I’m sick of doing the right thing. Can you lose yourself to doing the right thing. I want a voice. I want to be me. Just keep accumulating these things and they’re good and I grow but I don’t know.

Make a stand. It’s resonating. But it goes against everything I know. The year of no. I was all about the year of yes and challenge and scary. I don’t know. To make a stand I have to say no. Is it bad for me. I just want to be real. There’s this strong part of me that just wants to say no. And it’s just a choice. My question is will it always hold me back. But I don’t think so. Not in the areas I don’t want to be held back in.

I don’t want to be confined and stuck in a box. To watch what I have to say and do. I just want to be me. I’m good at lots of things. I’ve tried it. I don’t want it. I was good at academics and rolled with it. Got my identity and validation from it. I was a natural. I just go where I’m led. But isn’t that a good thing. But I have a dream, my own dream.

I don’t know. But I do know I have this dream. If that’s the one thing I know, then I’m going to follow it. Is this one of those significant moments. Of realisation. Of life journey checking and seeing it for what it is and once you see it, making a choice. It sort of feels like that time when I finally asked myself what I want. And I realised how I got into science and all that.

Nothing is clear. Except one thing. That one dream. And I’ve seen how I work with such passion for my dreams. How I get up early and can’t stop thinking about it. I want more of that. That gives me a reason to get up. It gives me excitement.

And when I’m bored, excitement is a good thing. This is my spark. I recognise it. That gets me. That gets my heart and I could talk about it all day. So this is not about saying no. This is about making a stand and making a choice. To follow that spark, my heart, my dream. The one thing I know. Trust it.

I feel better having written this. Who knew this would come out. Had to face all that bad stuff to get here. Started awkwardly as Goldberg said and tried to get the first thoughts out and didn’t care so much about grammar and punctuation. Just the naked brain on the page. And then get to the real issue.

Yep, reading it. It’s raw and horrible but it’s my first thoughts. Thank goodness. I did it. Scary but it worked.

So in one of my next posts I’ll write something more polished and bring out the issue and the insight that was revealed from writing my first thoughts. That post will make a lot more sense because it will be edited. It will be full of second and third thoughts.

Looking forward to writing it.

If you have a go at writing your first thoughts and post it, would love to check it out.

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