14th May 2016, Prismacolor on A3 cartridge paper
When I was so full of emotion, I kept repeating certain phrases in my head. One of them was: ‘What’s the point?’
Last year was a world of pain. I felt everyone’s pain and was a mess. But when I drew this picture I felt like I was the one causing people pain. The spikes come out from me because it felt like I hurt everyone. So I thought what’s the point of even doing anything—living, going on, trying—when I just hurt people.
I thought I couldn’t even be myself and I didn’t even know myself. So what was the point of being myself or trying to be myself if I wouldn’t even know who that was? And what was the point of being myself if myself hurt people anyway? Whether I am myself or not myself, I still hurt people. So what was the point of being me in this world?
I had those thoughts again of: ‘Why am I even here? There’s no point.’
The heart represents the true self but it’s crossed out because of that feeling of being unsure of who I really was and if it really matters.
‘Sorry’ was another word I kept repeating. It felt like it was permanently in my mouth. Like a tattoo.
The one spike that pierces me represents the self-punishment and how I can hurt myself as much as I hurt others.
The black lines represent the darkness and dark mood that covers everything. They also represent the different shapes I try to be and how none of them work or are me. And the rainbow background represents life and the good things. It’s there. It’s trying to break through.